An AMI Devotional 13+ Years in the Making: “Experiencing God in Our Desperateness”
AMI first posted its daily quiet time on January 1, 2013, and ever since—without skipping a beat—a daily quiet time consisting of a morning devotional, lunchtime Bible study, and evening reflection has been posted every day. For the first seven years of this ministry, original writings were posted. But around mid‑2019, previously posted devotionals began to be reposted alongside new ones; later that year, however, no new devotionals were added.
The other day, as I was preparing to recycle an old devotional of mine, I noticed that this one—originally posted on January 14, 2013—had already been recycled almost seven years later, on October 28, 2019, but with an important addition because of something that had happened two weeks earlier. And considering what my wife is going through at the moment and how it is affecting me, I couldn’t help but notice the irony of this devotional’s title: “Experiencing God in Our Desperateness.” So what did I write in January 2013, in response to Psalm 6:4, 6, which reads, “Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love ... I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.” This is what I wrote back then, when my life was probably full of sunshine:
“I suppose some of us may feel distant from this Psalm because we are not presently walking through life’s travails. But it rains on everyone, eventually. No one is immune from moments that leave us vulnerable, helpless, and fearful. Often, we come to God with an expectant list of problems we want solved. Yet if what we truly seek is to experience His presence and to know Him more deeply, then we must remember that such encounters often occur in the very moments when our cries to the Lord are most desperate.”
Fast‑forward about seven years. When I reposted that devotional on October 28, 2019, it was two weeks after a young father—a leader in an AMI church in New York City—suddenly lost his 10‑month‑old son. It was especially shocking to me because I had said goodbye to this man earlier that evening before leaving the church building to catch my bus back to Philadelphia. Two hours later, as our bus reached my city, I received a text informing me of the tragedy. So I added the following to my original devotional:
“Recently, a man in his 30s—someone with whom I had spent the entire afternoon in a church-related meeting—lost his young son that very evening due to a sudden illness. We were all shocked and utterly heartbroken for the parents. And it led us to cry out desperately to the Lord on behalf of this grieving family. But ultimately, we have hope. In death, we are reminded that while David had to contend with many foes, we have already gained victory over our ultimate foe—death itself. For the apostle Paul writes that in Christ, ‘the last enemy to be destroyed is death’ (1 Cor. 15:26). So today, instead of bringing God a list of requests, pour out your heart before Him. Cry out to the Lord. Cry out for this grieving family—in hope.”
And now, 13 years after I wrote the original, what was merely a speculation back then has become an unavoidable reality: I literally “flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.” In the most recent iteration of this devotional, posted a few days ago, I wrote:
“My family and I are now living in that very space of utter desperation because of the catastrophic illness my wife is enduring. Faith in God feels and smells different now—stripped down, raw, and honest. In many ways, I find myself returning to the basics: crying out to the LORD for my wife.”
Ironically, amid this season of agonizing and protracted prayers, I have found something disturbing about myself: a narcissistic self on the one hand and an ulterior motive for serving the Lord on the other—both well hidden behind a seeming dedication to Him. It is as if my wife’s illness is “saving” her husband from himself so that he truly means what he recently told his AMI colleagues in response to their overwhelming support:
“Thank you to all. It means a lot to us. Learning, in real time, to thank God in all circumstances … because, among other reasons, He didn’t spare His own Son to do for us what we could never do for ourselves—to save us from eternal separation from Him …”
Please pray for my wife, Elsie, that God will perform a great miracle on her behalf. I am praying in faith that He will, because my wife and I believe that she still hasn’t finished “serv[ing] God’s purpose in [her] own generation” (Acts 13:36).
The other day, as I was preparing to recycle an old devotional of mine, I noticed that this one—originally posted on January 14, 2013—had already been recycled almost seven years later, on October 28, 2019, but with an important addition because of something that had happened two weeks earlier. And considering what my wife is going through at the moment and how it is affecting me, I couldn’t help but notice the irony of this devotional’s title: “Experiencing God in Our Desperateness.” So what did I write in January 2013, in response to Psalm 6:4, 6, which reads, “Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love ... I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.” This is what I wrote back then, when my life was probably full of sunshine:
“I suppose some of us may feel distant from this Psalm because we are not presently walking through life’s travails. But it rains on everyone, eventually. No one is immune from moments that leave us vulnerable, helpless, and fearful. Often, we come to God with an expectant list of problems we want solved. Yet if what we truly seek is to experience His presence and to know Him more deeply, then we must remember that such encounters often occur in the very moments when our cries to the Lord are most desperate.”
Fast‑forward about seven years. When I reposted that devotional on October 28, 2019, it was two weeks after a young father—a leader in an AMI church in New York City—suddenly lost his 10‑month‑old son. It was especially shocking to me because I had said goodbye to this man earlier that evening before leaving the church building to catch my bus back to Philadelphia. Two hours later, as our bus reached my city, I received a text informing me of the tragedy. So I added the following to my original devotional:
“Recently, a man in his 30s—someone with whom I had spent the entire afternoon in a church-related meeting—lost his young son that very evening due to a sudden illness. We were all shocked and utterly heartbroken for the parents. And it led us to cry out desperately to the Lord on behalf of this grieving family. But ultimately, we have hope. In death, we are reminded that while David had to contend with many foes, we have already gained victory over our ultimate foe—death itself. For the apostle Paul writes that in Christ, ‘the last enemy to be destroyed is death’ (1 Cor. 15:26). So today, instead of bringing God a list of requests, pour out your heart before Him. Cry out to the Lord. Cry out for this grieving family—in hope.”
And now, 13 years after I wrote the original, what was merely a speculation back then has become an unavoidable reality: I literally “flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.” In the most recent iteration of this devotional, posted a few days ago, I wrote:
“My family and I are now living in that very space of utter desperation because of the catastrophic illness my wife is enduring. Faith in God feels and smells different now—stripped down, raw, and honest. In many ways, I find myself returning to the basics: crying out to the LORD for my wife.”
Ironically, amid this season of agonizing and protracted prayers, I have found something disturbing about myself: a narcissistic self on the one hand and an ulterior motive for serving the Lord on the other—both well hidden behind a seeming dedication to Him. It is as if my wife’s illness is “saving” her husband from himself so that he truly means what he recently told his AMI colleagues in response to their overwhelming support:
“Thank you to all. It means a lot to us. Learning, in real time, to thank God in all circumstances … because, among other reasons, He didn’t spare His own Son to do for us what we could never do for ourselves—to save us from eternal separation from Him …”
Please pray for my wife, Elsie, that God will perform a great miracle on her behalf. I am praying in faith that He will, because my wife and I believe that she still hasn’t finished “serv[ing] God’s purpose in [her] own generation” (Acts 13:36).
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